A couple of weeks ago I felt in the right kind of mood for an M. Night Shyamalan movie, and found myself watching The Happening (review here). Shyamalan gets a lot of hate, and in fairness I’ve mainly watched his better movies, but I’m rapidly finding myself wanting to watch everything he’s done for the hell of it. The Happening was an absolute disaster in more ways than one, but you guys, it was so much fun to watch and make fun of.
When I reviewed it for the blog, some of you mentioned Lady in the Water, telling me it was even worse. You realise what you set in motion in that moment, right? I had to watch it!
It took me 2 days, and 3 sitting to actually get through it, it was actually that bad. There were times I wanted to call it quits, but I stuck with it for the sake of the blog. I can’t write a review I’m afraid, mainly because I’m still not sure what actually happened in front of my eyes, but for my own sake (and yours) I’m going to try and explain what happened. Spoilers ahead, but you’re not missing out on much!
The movie opens with a stick man explanation of the people who live in the water world, watching over us land folk, until we got greedy and forgot about them. Every now and again they send their water kids to our world, but most of them get eaten by wolves. Um, okay.
Then we see a stuttering Paul Giamatti, the only maintenance man in a huge apartment complex, talking with his pool cleaner about how dirty it is. It’s almost like there’s someone living there, eh, eh?
Bingo. Bryce Dallas Howard is the lady in the water. Giamatti tries to take her outside, but they get attacked by a grass wolf. Stay with me now, this isn’t even that weird yet.
I don’t remember how, but we somehow learn her name is Story, and she is a Narf. I guess Narfs are the people from the water world, but what a terrible name.
It just so happens that one of the resident’s mothers knows all about the story of the Narfs, which is super lucky, but to convince this old lady to tell him the story, Giamatti has to convince her that he is actually a child (?!) and finds himself sat on her sofa with a milk mustache. No innuendo, I swear.
It turns out that Story is trying to find the ‘chosen one’ who’s a writer, leading Giamatti on a goose chase around the building. He meets a grumpy film critic, a group of rowdy lads, a crossword puzzle loving Jeffrey Wright and his son who reads cereal boxes, and a dude who only works out his right side of his body. Oh! And Mr M. Night Shyamalan himself, who’s writing a Cookbook that has nothing to do with cooking. Right.
I’m being way too detailed here, let’s speed things up a bit.
Old lady says that for Story to get home, they need a Guardian, a Healer, a Translator, a something else (I forgot) and a Guild.
The Translator turns out to be the puzzle fan’s kid, who stares at a cupboard of cereal to work out they need to perform a ceremony.
The Healer is some other lady who sees butterflies everywhere by the pool.
The Guild is the group of lads, who decide the best way to get Story home is to throw a huge party for the grumpy film critic.
Cue party time, and suddenly about 200 people live in this weird complex.
There’s a band, and them playing is crucial to the ceremony apparently, but they aren’t paying attention, and getting someone to go and tap them on the shoulder is out of the question for some reason.
The grass wolf has managed to find his way into the complex at this point, and ends up eating the film critic after he does this weird speech. Does Shyamalan hate critics? I bet he did after releasing this movie. Maybe he saw it coming, and just didn’t care.
I just lost it at this point, seriously. A giant eagle flies overhead and takes Story away, and then the credits rolled.
WHAT. THE. HELL. YOU. GUYS.
Dare I ask, has M. Night Shyamalan made anything worse than this? I need to know, just in case I have a sudden lapse in judgement and find myself with nothing better to watch on a Sunday night.
Hilarious review, m’dear. I just saw Jeffrey Wright rewatching Source Code, and I thought of this!
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Thanks Jay! I would have thought Jeffrey Wright was far too good to take this on…but then so is Paul Giamatti!
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LOL I love this post. This movie is so terrible. I can’t believe I actually saw it in theaters.
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OMG! To be fair I’d like to have been part of that crowd, thinking ‘WTF’!
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Great review xD
Yeah, this was really just… no. I scarcely remember it, but I remembered when I saw it I was like DAFUQ?!
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I really actually enjoy terrible movies when I’m in the mood but this was just…no!
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To answer your question, I’m still not sure. I don’t even think M. Night knew. Nice review.
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I think just to be cruel, Film Students should be made to write essays on their take of what happened in these 2 hours 😀
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Has he made anything worse? Weeeell that’s a toughie. This is definitely near the bare bottom of his films – absolutely horrible. But The Last Airbender is just atrocious and After Earth isn’t much better. Those two stinkers keep Lady in the Water company.
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You know, I haven’t seen either of those yet…and I have no plans again this Sunday night…thanks and no thanks for this Keith, ha!
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Haha, this movie is pure torture! “What the hell happened” is a darn good question.
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I really had to question my mantra of ‘I love terrible movies!’ whilst watching this!
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Perhaps I’m the only person in the world that likes this movie, but I think y’all are the crazy ones. Yes, this movie is entirely ridiculous, but it’s a fairy tale, right? And silly words and silly creatures (and super random people) are inherent to the genre. It’s so outside the box, and unlike nothing I’ve ever seen before, I actually consider it one of my favorite Shyamalan films (better than The Village or The Happening bymiles). And I’m sorry, I will never, ever allow myself to hate a film where Paul Giamatti is the lead character. That alone feels blasphemous!
Look, I know I’m the asshole when it comes to this film, but yes, this is the hill I want to die on!!!
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From the mind that gave me shit for not hating The Girl on the Train 😀
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OOOOOOOOOHHH she got you there!
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Girl on a Train is unimaginative bullshit that I would only recommend to an insomniac.
Lady in the Water is at the very least unique, and features a slew of talented performers. And, AND! It’s f–king cool. Yeah. I said it.
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I mean I will definitely give Lady in the Water points for being unique…but when I was a kid my Mum told me I was unique and only now do I realise she just thought I was weird!
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Dude you know there is nothing as memorable here as the scene where Rachel steals the baby, then puts it on the ground and runs away. That shit was GOAT. You should be laughing just at the memory of that scene
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I thought The Happening was worse than this because at least this one had Bryce in it. But yeah it was dumb as hell
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Bryce is no fun unless she’s running through Jurassic World in silly heels!
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Its like it wanted to be a ‘kids bedtime story’ but with an edge aaaaand it really wasnt. It’s so daft. This is the film that ruined the reign of M.Night Shyamalan.
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It was just so odd!! I don’t even know where to start with how it could be improved
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I heard ol’ whatsisname got his mojo back with his 2017 film Split. 🙂
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It was preeeeetty good! Much better than this garbage at least 😛
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I warned you Lady in the Water sucks 🙂 At least you had fun with the review
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I should have listened to you…but I just can’t help myself!
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