Does anyone else’s January suck, like, hard? Because man, I’m so over this month. I know things always have a way of looking up after a while but I’m struggling right now. And I’ve always felt better by writing/typing things out so, if you’ll excuse me, I need to do some venting. You can just scroll down to the more colourful section of this post if you like where I’ll actually be talking about fun stuff.
My car went in for a service and afterwards I was handed a long, expensive list of parts that needed replacing. That meant almost 2 weeks worth of driving a dodgy car, trying to sort out my work situation so that the car could actually be in the garage, and of course the money. It was a lot. So much in fact that my credit card is maxed out. Which wouldn’t be so bad if I could just slowly pay it off, but I have no money left at the end of the month to do that. Not until my little girl gets some free childcare time, which won’t happen till January 2021.
Our house has been plagued by the usual germs and illnesses that January brings. I don’t think I’ve slept more than 5-6 hours on any night this month so far. I’m exhausted. Work has been awful. I only work for a tiny company so when 2 of my colleagues are treating me like shit on their shoe, it leaves me with basically no one to talk to in the day. I stormed out of the office last week and worked from the sofa area of the building, and they haven’t spoken to me since.
At the start of Feb in 2018, I accepted I was struggling too much with being a Mum, saw a doctor, and went on anti-depressants. Things got better and I went off them in the summer. At the start of Feb in 2019, I accepted I was struggling way too much again, saw a doctor, and went on anti-depressants. I stayed on them longer that time, but was off them again by the end of summer. You can see where this is going, can’t you? Every day I struggle, some days harder than others. I really, really don’t want to go back to medication though. Am I good Mum? I don’t think so. I sure don’t feel like it half the time. I love her more than anything in the world, and there’s nothing more upsetting than feeling like I’m failing her.
She’s amazing. She’s hilarious, she’s adorable, and she’s so darn smart. But she’s 2. She throws tantrums that amaze me. Sometimes I stay strong and other times I either shout back or hand her a chocolate biscuit to calm the storm. She’s never slept well, and everything I read or am told is that it’s normal, but I can’t help but feel like maybe I did something wrong. I don’t know. It’s a constant feeling of not knowing if I’m ever doing the right thing. But I love her, and I’ll never stop trying.
Right. This is getting a bit depressing, isn’t it? Let’s talk movies!
Despite it all, I’ve kicked 2020 off right when it comes to movies. I usually managed around 10-11 per month but I’ve already seen 17 so that feels good. Apart from last week I’ve been going to the cinema twice a week too which I’ve really enjoyed! I’m hoping to catch The Personal History of David Copperfield this week. The Grudge is out too, but I don’t think I’ll be making that trip!
The BAFTAs are this Sunday so expect a predictions post from me very soon. I’m hilariously bad at predicting anything so you can always have a laugh at my expense. I’m also very close to finally finishing my Top 100 Movies of the Decade posts which I thought I would have done by New Year. Whoops.
I finished Season 2 of You. Man, I love that show so much. I actually held back on watching the last episode because I didn’t want it to be over. I still haven’t finished The Witcher but Toss a Coin to your Witcher plays on repeat on my way into work lately. Everyone is raving about Season 2 of Sex Education but I couldn’t get into it when it first came out. I tried again last night and liked it a lot better so who knows?
So for now, I’m a bit behind on blog stuff but I’m not going anywhere. You’ll find me on YouTube watching Adam Driver‘s SNL skits from Saturday, cheering myself up.