Going Off Topic

Going Off Topic (#24) You’re My Therapy

Does anyone else’s January suck, like, hard? Because man, I’m so over this month. I know things always have a way of looking up after a while but I’m struggling right now. And I’ve always felt better by writing/typing things out so, if you’ll excuse me, I need to do some venting. You can just scroll down to the more colourful section of this post if you like where I’ll actually be talking about fun stuff.

My car went in for a service and afterwards I was handed a long, expensive list of parts that needed replacing. That meant almost 2 weeks worth of driving a dodgy car, trying to sort out my work situation so that the car could actually be in the garage, and of course the money. It was a lot. So much in fact that my credit card is maxed out. Which wouldn’t be so bad if I could just slowly pay it off, but I have no money left at the end of the month to do that. Not until my little girl gets some free childcare time, which won’t happen till January 2021.

Our house has been plagued by the usual germs and illnesses that January brings. I don’t think I’ve slept more than 5-6 hours on any night this month so far. I’m exhausted. Work has been awful. I only work for a tiny company so when 2 of my colleagues are treating me like shit on their shoe, it leaves me with basically no one to talk to in the day. I stormed out of the office last week and worked from the sofa area of the building, and they haven’t spoken to me since.

At the start of Feb in 2018, I accepted I was struggling too much with being a Mum, saw a doctor, and went on anti-depressants. Things got better and I went off them in the summer. At the start of Feb in 2019, I accepted I was struggling way too much again, saw a doctor, and went on anti-depressants. I stayed on them longer that time, but was off them again by the end of summer. You can see where this is going, can’t you? Every day I struggle, some days harder than others. I really, really don’t want to go back to medication though. Am I good Mum? I don’t think so. I sure don’t feel like it half the time. I love her more than anything in the world, and there’s nothing more upsetting than feeling like I’m failing her.

She’s amazing. She’s hilarious, she’s adorable, and she’s so darn smart. But she’s 2. She throws tantrums that amaze me. Sometimes I stay strong and other times I either shout back or hand her a chocolate biscuit to calm the storm. She’s never slept well, and everything I read or am told is that it’s normal, but I can’t help but feel like maybe I did something wrong. I don’t know. It’s a constant feeling of not knowing if I’m ever doing the right thing. But I love her, and I’ll never stop trying.

Right. This is getting a bit depressing, isn’t it? Let’s talk movies!

Despite it all, I’ve kicked 2020 off right when it comes to movies. I usually managed around 10-11 per month but I’ve already seen 17 so that feels good. Apart from last week I’ve been going to the cinema twice a week too which I’ve really enjoyed! I’m hoping to catch The Personal History of David Copperfield this week. The Grudge is out too, but I don’t think I’ll be making that trip!

The BAFTAs are this Sunday so expect a predictions post from me very soon. I’m hilariously bad at predicting anything so you can always have a laugh at my expense. I’m also very close to finally finishing my Top 100 Movies of the Decade posts which I thought I would have done by New Year. Whoops.

I finished Season 2 of You. Man, I love that show so much. I actually held back on watching the last episode because I didn’t want it to be over. I still haven’t finished The Witcher but Toss a Coin to your Witcher plays on repeat on my way into work lately. Everyone is raving about Season 2 of Sex Education but I couldn’t get into it when it first came out. I tried again last night and liked it a lot better so who knows?

So for now, I’m a bit behind on blog stuff but I’m not going anywhere. You’ll find me on YouTube watching Adam Driver‘s SNL skits from Saturday, cheering myself up.

19 thoughts on “Going Off Topic (#24) You’re My Therapy

  1. Sorry to hear about the stuff you have been going through. There is a long history of mental health issues in my family, including depression and anxiety, and I have been a victim of that. I know how hard it is to get yourself out of that headspace or to convince yourself that you are doing well for yourself and the people you love. But as Radiohead once sang, “You can try the best you can/ The best you can is good enough”. Or as Kanye once sang, “You’re not perfect but you’re not your mistakes”. Sometimes we need to be told these things because we can’t realize it ourselves, but we are all human and we are living this difficult life. You are doing your best and that is all anyone can ever ask for.

    I love your blog and always look forward to your next post (I have been patiently waiting for the top 100 of the decade to be complete). You infuse so much personality and clearly put so much care into your posts and your blog as a whole, it is certainly commendable. And if it helps you get through what you are going through, or if it serves as a momentary distraction, that is great. Just keep keeping on.

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  2. Yeah this month has been particularly sucky. Plus I’ve been right on the edge of a cold for what seems like weeks now and sometimes its just hard to see the other side of days like these!

    Anyway here’s hoping it looks up soon for you and everyone πŸ™‚ Spring for everyone! Now I’ll be over here trying not to be jealous of your movie watching. I’m telling myself Birds of Prey is going to break my slump. Best wishes!

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  3. January does suck. I started the year feeling really sick and then having to go to the emergency room for a couple of hours as I have bronchitis as I’m getting better but still coughing and having a dry throat. Plus, the weather has been bad which hasn’t made things any better.

    At least staying home has given me the chance to do other things while I too enjoyed seeing Adam Driver on SNL. I hope he becomes a member of the Five-Timers club soon.

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  4. I’m sure you’re a wonderful mom! Parenting is hard and it’s normal to feel frustrated. My kid just through a massive fit over the simplest of homework so I know how it feels to want to shout back at them. If she’s loved and safe and fed, you’re doing a good job. πŸ™‚

    I hope you like Adam’s SNL. I thought he was hilarious. I’m sure the BAFTAs will disappoint me. Hopefully February is better for us all lol.

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  5. I am so glad it’s not just me. January has always been a meh month. Xmas and New Year’s celebrations are behind us and oh my goodness we actually have to contend with starting a new year! But even I gotta, it’s been a rough start. Currently going through dual work and family crises – so much so that I too have started anti-depressants (long overdue) – and the only thing really keeping me stable is time with my daughter.

    “It’s a constant feeling of not knowing if I’m ever doing the right thing.” That right there is how I’ve felt this entire month. Don’t know if mercury is in retrograde or if Elon Musk’s Cybertruck has been bumming me out more than I realized (idk what meme we’re on). Here’s hoping February will be better to us all– and if not, at least it’s a shorter month!

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  6. It seems to me that you are a great mom! I know nothing about kids and there is probably no way anyone ever breeds with me but you are there for her and take care of her! That is what moms are supposed to do. I hope you feel better soon!

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  7. I think part of being a good mom is feeling like you suck at it, at least this is what I tell my wife who is always doubting herself. Mom is the most thankless job in the world, so it should kick your ass a bit, but only because you’re working so hard it (which is a great thing). Two year olds are more than a handful (though, uh, three was the real ass-kicker around my house), so cut yourself some slack!

    In fact, go see some more movies. Though, to be honest, I think you’re also kicking ass in that regard, too!

    (by the way, Sex Ed is one of my all-time favorite shows. It makes me laugh like a proper asshole, and I love it)

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    1. Thank you so much ❀
      Two is such a difficult age, but it's so rewarding at the same time! Newborns just scream at you, but two year olds scream at you then tell you they love you, ha!
      I have so much to be thankful for, for this little community. Movies and bloggers rock!

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  8. I’m not a mother, so I can’t imagine the stress you’re under, especially raising a toddler. I have a rocky relationship with my mother, and to be honest, if you’re questioning whether you’re a good mom and how you can do better, it shows that you care about her safety and well-being. It’s probably not my place to say, but try not to be too hard on yourself. I hope you’re able to keep using this blog as therapy and are able to find additional help with the anxiety. And that February is kinder to you than January was. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s all any kid ever wants or hopes for. ❀

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    1. Thanks so much Katy ❀
      I'm sorry you don't have a great relationship with your mother, I can't imagine how tough that must be for you! February is definitely looking like a better month so far πŸ™‚

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